one step enough for me

I'm in an interesting stage that most young adults will recognize: that strange borderland of "transition," a foot in two worlds, belonging to neither.

Let me explain. I have friends on Facebook posting about new couches for their homes, revealing pictures of their newborn children, announcing engagements, and moaning about midterm exams. But not the same friends on all four counts. I'm in that awkward stage of "Well I'm out of college but not really to the next part yet, but thank heavens I get to preview it from this cozy seat."

Just kidding. I could skip the preview, thanks.

Tomorrow I go in to speak with an advisor about a secondary education certification program. Basically, "Do you have what it takes to teach High School English?" I've been working through a lot of things and have come to a resounding conclusion:

I don't know what I want to do with my life.

Of course there are the "ultimate goals": seek, serve, and obey God, love people, live with boldness and courage.

But there are so many ways I could do that. I could

• Move to a south Asian country and teach English.
• Get a job as a marketing professional in a local business.
• Work part-time at a coffee shop and tutor international students.
• Get a masters in English and teach at a college.
• Get a masters in Library Science and become a librarian/archivist.
• Complete teaching cert and teach high-school English.
• Get into the publishing, journalism, or media world.

In short, there are about a billion different things I could do with the education and talents I already have. But the options are a little overwhelming, and I'm scared to move for fear I'll make the wrong choice.

This is my solution for the fear: Remember. Remember. Remember the signs. Recall the mighty deeds of the God Who Saves, of God With Us, never leaving, never sleeping, never failing. Remember how He brought the children of Israel out of Egypt, how He led them through the desert, gave victory to Joshua, direction to Daniel and Joseph, provision for David over and over again.

My God is a God who plots the path of kings. He is capable of handling mine.

But sometimes, you're 21 and driving down a road and suddenly you're not just driving, you're running away from all the responsibilities and expectations and hopes and dreams you thought you'd given up for lost (and maybe from God, too). And the future catches in your throat and chokes you and suddenly you're sobbing in highway traffic and praying "God, God, God, don't let me be for nothing!"

And then you remember that you're 21, that you still have a good 60 years on this planet to do something, to discover what it is you're here for, and in the meantime there is a bed for you to sleep in and a wonderful thing called parents to hug you and comfort you and make you cookies and dinner and tell you it's okay, that you're okay, that you're not a failure, that it's not for nothing.

But oh, to have dreams again! To know what it is I would do with my life, "time and money aside."

Lord, direct my thoughts and decisions, that I would always seek after you, and not after my own desires.

Here in the dark, I do not ask to see

The path ahead; one step enough for me

Lead on, lead on Kindly Light!

-Lead Kindly Light, Audrey Assad

Thoughts on Psalm 16

As I sit by an open window with coffee, letting the brisk October morning ruffle the pages of my Bible, I have never felt closer to being made of light.

I slept in today. The sleep that comes to a hard-working man is good and satisfying, and I have tasted of its goodness.

I open the book of Psalms and begin to read. First I am in Psalm 14 (because it is October 14th and I might as well because where else should I begin?) but after skimming through a few, Psalm 16 catches my eye.

"Oh my soul, you have said to the Lord,

You are my Lord,

My goodness is nothing apart from You." (v. 2)

"O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;

You maintain my lot.

The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;

Yes, I have a good inheritance."

This concept of God as my (in all rights, "our," but for simplicity's sake, I shall simply say "my") portion and inheritance is repeated over and over again through Scripture.

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed

Because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness.

'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul

'Therefore I hope in him!'

-Lamentations 3:22-24

"You are my portion, O Lord;

I have said that I would keep your words."

-Psalm 119:57

"Whom have I in heaven but You?

And there is none upon the earth that I desire besides You.

My flesh and my heart fail;

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:25-26

Other references: Psalm 16:5, 142:5

The question remains: what does this mean? The Hebrew word for portion is Cheleq, and is most often used to discuss one's ownership of land, possessions, or other belongings. The root word is Chalaq, an old Hebrew word meaning, essentially, "plunder" that warriors would receive after conquering a city, or goods that were apportioned to you.

What these verses seem to be saying, is that God is our plunder--God is the treasure we are apportioned. The incredible difference that comes when talking about God as our portion is that we fought in no battles, nor won any victories to deserve Him. Has the Psalmist chosen God? Perhaps. But he clearly understands that his portion, while taking form in the maker of the Universe, is not here on this earth. In other Psalms, David and other psalmists cry out against the wicked, who receive their portion here on this earth.

But our portion is in heaven. "Whom have I in heaven but You?" It is a forgoing of earthly desires for pleasures today, in order that we may eagerly await the coming of the One who is our inheritance.

And it is a good inheritance. The Lord promises us more than we deserve. We are told Psalm 23, that because "the Lord is our shepherd," we shall not want.

We shall not want. What does that even mean? Not want for money, or food, or clothes, or love, or hope, or joy, or peace? Not want, even for the things that we don't think we want. But sometimes He has to "make us" lie down in green pastures and "leads us" beside still waters, because we wouldn't choose it if He only let us run wild.

Interesting thoughts. A beautiful Psalm, and a great reminder that our portion is not on this earth, but is very much worth waiting for.

"Let the field be joyful, and all that is in  it.

Then all the trees of the woods will rejoice before the Lord.

For He is coming, for He is coming to judge the earth."

-Psalm 96:12-13